my mind is thrown into a cycle of chaos that drives me to the opposite end of the pendulum.  Though nothing left of me appears to be rational anymore, I can't help but to find some kind of justification.  It seems that blaming myself on everything ranging from my two half-ass, unsuccessful  degrees in mid20's , lack of a career to even... declaring my aesthetic inferiority would be a more reasonable explanation on my current emotions. To be honest, I don't even want to see the real reason behind all this...but my health is telling me that I'm under an immense amount of stress.

Here I thought I'd be able to take on more as I'm gradually recovering.. but my heart is once again giving me problems with the irregular beats.  I can't sleep...I can't even think straight.

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
I am in great pain...I just want to scream over and over again, but I know that wouldn't bring me the kind of closure that I need.  No matter how many times I scream to heavens with all my might, "GOD, WHY THE **** DO YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME?" I don't get an answer.  Of course, the glimpse of my sanity tells me that I'll have the answer as I walk through life.  Yes, and OF COURSE, on good days I'd know it's my Achilles heel that God wants me to strengthen: a seemingly never ending lifelong lesson.  I mean hey, doesn't everyone say "Praise the Lord" easier on bright sunny days with smooth sails? Well... there were never that kind of good days in March/April. At least not since she's gone.

The debt is heavy...
5 years of shutting down, 5 years of trying to be as strong as I could as a 14 year old could be--for the family, for friends, for myself.  No, I don't think it's fair.  It's not right--that I couldn't even say the last goodbye and pay my ultimate respect for you.  It's not until I graduated from highschool that I kept thinking about you--how you missed my graduation... how thilled you'd be to hear my acceptance to music school.  After fighting through all the shit in life, that I shed my first tear for you. Since then... it never stopped. Since then, each spring, my life topples over.

I feel so alone without you
as if though my support in life has been ripped away from me and I crumble.  I understand... that even you... would tell me that God should be my foundation in life, and that he'll never leave me.  Heck, my parents say that a lot too.  But I'm human, and it's humanity and human limits that I'm speaking of.  You taught me that--you were the one who showed me what it's like to be a human, a person that we're intended to be.

Repetitive blogging
only further proves that I'm watching a really bad film that I can't take my eyes off of-- looping before me over, and over, and over again.  I don't want to be like this anymore...I pray that even though it takes time to heal, God... give me my sanity please... give me closure, and eventually peace.  I pray, God, that you will turn this pain into strength one day.  

May Your will be done on earth as it's in heaven.
Indeed it takes on new meaning each spring...
but with much difficulty and struggles, I do entrust this to You.

Weapons of Mass Distraction
Confession: I've been blogging about the technical and the intellectual pursuit for way too long.  After couple weeks of digestion upon all the hot topics that "Christians" would like poke noses into, I've concluded that all the politics between governments, homosexuality, ethnic diversity/cultural dilemma, etc. have just been a good Religious Distraction.  The world we live in, is ill.  What is new? It's in the Bible itself...in the end, I'm not responsible for the outcome or the result, but to do the best as what we're called to do.

Lessons for a "Christian Skeptic"
The transformation to lay down my intellectual side has been relatively forced.  To shut down logic and analysis is impossible, but for me to re-discover what my belief is like and the relational thinking behind my faith is even more difficult.  Though I've been struggling with my faith and eventually left "Christianity", I came back to it because God has never given up on me.  Even now, I struggle to coin myself under that "believer/religious" term because of all these controversies, rules, regulations and judgments...I'd rather be out of that loop as I'm still struggling with numerous issues.   Therefore to say that my faith is rock solid, is a complete lie.

Much like the account of John, the nobleman did not have enough faith to believe that Jesus would heal his son who was deathly ill.  Jesus said "Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders," Jesus told him, "you will never believe." (John 4:48) 

What surprises me is that the nobleman had initially gone to see Jesus and begged Jesus to heal the son, but Jesus' reply seemed to have contradict the nobleman's intent.  (Of course it states "people", but I suppose Jesus did not single out the nobleman either).  This situation is probably as peculiar as my own faith--the paradox of Christian skeptic if you would call it.  All these theorizing, debating, questioning is only good until a certain point, and the rest should be dependent on faith and the relational aspect with God.  (Un)Fortunately, my health has been as unstable as the current stock market.  It's not until now, that I am willing to see what God is trying to show me:

- that I cannot rely on myself all the time--yes yes, I have foresight but I don't deal well with unknown
- faith is not something that exists solely in the head/reasoning, but also the heart/mind
- a constant acknowledgment of God through honest prayers and to relate with God...

Even though I acknowledge God's sovereignty over all, I fall through the crack and use my perception and reasoning be the judge of everything.  After all, I'm too accustomed to "in my point of view", "through my perception", "based on my analysis", etc.  Here and there, I have bargained God's sovereignty with my own thinking.  Ultimately, it's God's forgiveness that I need...as well as God's power for me to forgive others and myself as well. 

Delight in what???
I sometimes wonder how Paul the Apostle could have written this especially the last part v.10:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9-10)

Delight? In weakness. insults, hardships....? How.. but it's because of the faith in God.  Perhaps this is to sum up the lesson that I need to learn: to delight in the hardships, trust that God's grace is sufficient for me and that my effort/power is futile, and may God's power shine through. 

"He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption." (1 Cor 1:28-30)

May my frustration and anger at God rest here,.... as I pray to God... Jesus Christ for forgiveness and my Lord Jesus Christ's continual guidance for the rest of my journey.  Perhaps it's not miraculous signs and wonders that I need to see, but the process of rendering me weak and broken that I need in order to believe: Faith as a continual process.  For that, I'm grateful.  As for my health...it's difficult, but all I can do now is acknowledge my limit, and know that God has plans.

A hiatus on religious philosophy, as my brain has been on complete overdrive for three days

Onto life...

1) What is the price of love?
2) What is the price of care?
3) What is the price of empathy?
4) What is the price of loyalty?

What is the ultimate price when all these 4 elements work together?


An old friend has become one of the recent catalyst for crushing my tough shell
As I sat in the car and reflected upon the things we used to do, I couldn't help but to recall the things that's happened between us:

Two sixteen year olds sitting in the car under the stars, reflective, pensive, with their feet up the dashboard.
We sat there, did absolutely nothing but let the night roll with random outburst of questions, epiphanies and laughter. Nine years later, I caught myself doing the same as if though nothing has changed...or perhaps a part of me refuse to acknowledge for one, that I have changed.

As much as I despise the fact that my friend has a good memory and can recall all the crap that I'd like to forget about my past, I owe it to her for shredding apart my cool/cold, cynical facade.  Yes, I'm a tough nut to crack, and it got cracked... and I can't help but to realize my true character without my "tough it up" suit.  To be honest, I'm absolutely miserable and lost.

Twenty odd years to sew this "tough ass" suit together, what for? 
Essentially it's to protect me against some kind of harm.  But what are they? In my recent years, I've experienced more than enough dysfunctional relationships--things that could go wrong, went wrong.  Yes, I must admit that the only constant is myself.  However, I can't help but to notice my intense emotional outbursts in reaction to broken relationships. 

Tonight I sit here in defeat--finally verbally acknowledging to my friend that she is right: Beneath that "tough it up" facade, I am essentially nothing but loving, caring, empathetic, and loyal.  But I got fed up with the way people rejecting them, or even their sheer inability to value them.  She then asked me what I fear most--or if I fear losing anything at all.  Honestly, I don't know.  In order to find out what I fear to lose, I must first know what is there to lose...and the price for everything that I carry/give.