my mind is thrown into a cycle of chaos that drives me to the opposite end of the pendulum. Though nothing left of me appears to be rational anymore, I can't help but to find some kind of justification. It seems that blaming myself on everything ranging from my two half-ass, unsuccessful degrees in mid20's , lack of a career to even... declaring my aesthetic inferiority would be a more reasonable explanation on my current emotions. To be honest, I don't even want to see the real reason behind all this...but my health is telling me that I'm under an immense amount of stress.
Here I thought I'd be able to take on more as I'm gradually recovering.. but my heart is once again giving me problems with the irregular beats. I can't sleep...I can't even think straight.
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?I am in great pain...I just want to scream over and over again, but I know that wouldn't bring me the kind of closure that I need. No matter how many times I scream to heavens with all my might,
"GOD, WHY THE **** DO YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME?" I don't get an answer. Of course, the glimpse of my sanity tells me that I'll have the answer as I walk through life. Yes, and OF COURSE, on good days I'd know it's my Achilles heel that God wants me to strengthen: a seemingly never ending lifelong lesson. I mean hey, doesn't everyone say "Praise the Lord" easier on bright sunny days with smooth sails? Well... there were never that kind of good days in March/April. At least not since she's gone.
The debt is heavy...5 years of shutting down, 5 years of trying to be as strong as I could as a 14 year old could be--for the family, for friends, for myself. No, I don't think it's fair. It's not right--that I couldn't even say the last goodbye and pay my ultimate respect for you. It's not until I graduated from highschool that I kept thinking about you--how you missed my graduation... how thilled you'd be to hear my acceptance to music school. After fighting through all the shit in life, that I shed my first tear for you. Since then... it never stopped. Since then, each spring, my life topples over.
I feel so alone without youas if though my support in life has been ripped away from me and I crumble. I understand... that even you... would tell me that God should be my foundation in life, and that he'll never leave me. Heck, my parents say that a lot too. But I'm human, and it's humanity and human limits that I'm speaking of. You taught me that--you were the one who showed me what it's like to be a human, a person that we're intended to be.
Repetitive bloggingonly further proves that I'm watching a really bad film that I can't take my eyes off of-- looping before me over, and over, and over again. I don't want to be like this anymore...I pray that even though it takes time to heal, God... give me my sanity please... give me closure, and eventually peace. I pray, God, that you will turn this pain into strength one day.
May Your will be done on earth as it's in heaven.
Indeed it takes on new meaning each spring...
but with much difficulty and struggles, I do entrust this to You.
Comments (1)
I'm glad that you know that God is sovereign. I don't know who was taken away...but I'll pray for you.
That sounds corny...but I mean it.