Sunday, 27 January 2008

  • What's the Price

    A hiatus on religious philosophy, as my brain has been on complete overdrive for three days

    Onto life...

    1) What is the price of love?
    2) What is the price of care?
    3) What is the price of empathy?
    4) What is the price of loyalty?

    What is the ultimate price when all these 4 elements work together?


    An old friend has become one of the recent catalyst for crushing my tough shell
    As I sat in the car and reflected upon the things we used to do, I couldn't help but to recall the things that's happened between us:

    Two sixteen year olds sitting in the car under the stars, reflective, pensive, with their feet up the dashboard.
    We sat there, did absolutely nothing but let the night roll with random outburst of questions, epiphanies and laughter. Nine years later, I caught myself doing the same as if though nothing has changed...or perhaps a part of me refuse to acknowledge for one, that I have changed.

    As much as I despise the fact that my friend has a good memory and can recall all the crap that I'd like to forget about my past, I owe it to her for shredding apart my cool/cold, cynical facade.  Yes, I'm a tough nut to crack, and it got cracked... and I can't help but to realize my true character without my "tough it up" suit.  To be honest, I'm absolutely miserable and lost.

    Twenty odd years to sew this "tough ass" suit together, what for? 
    Essentially it's to protect me against some kind of harm.  But what are they? In my recent years, I've experienced more than enough dysfunctional relationships--things that could go wrong, went wrong.  Yes, I must admit that the only constant is myself.  However, I can't help but to notice my intense emotional outbursts in reaction to broken relationships. 

    Tonight I sit here in defeat--finally verbally acknowledging to my friend that she is right: Beneath that "tough it up" facade, I am essentially nothing but loving, caring, empathetic, and loyal.  But I got fed up with the way people rejecting them, or even their sheer inability to value them.  She then asked me what I fear most--or if I fear losing anything at all.  Honestly, I don't know.  In order to find out what I fear to lose, I must first know what is there to lose...and the price for everything that I carry/give.

Comments (2)

  • Heshewethree
    Hi...have I worn you out yet? Here's where I think your answer lies: "To be honest, I'm absolutely miserable and lost." "In my recent years, I've experienced more than enough dysfunctional relationships--things that could go wrong, went wrong. Yes, I must admit that the only constant is myself. However, I can't help but to notice my intense emotional outbursts in reaction to broken relationships." "Beneath that "tough it up" facade, I am essentially nothing but loving, caring, empathetic, and loyal. But I got fed up with the way people rejecting them, or even their sheer inability to value them." "In order to find out what I fear to lose, I must first know what is there to lose...and the price for everything that I carry/give." Ok...let me see if I can help you zero in... You said you were miserable and lost and that you've experienced more than your share of dysfunctional relationships. One thing you have to realize...is that perfection is only found in God. Therefore, you will not find anything other than dysfunction in anyone else you get into a relationship with. So part of your problem is your expectations. I always try to stay away from expectations because they are a trap, and lead to pain and disappointment. So any relationship you come into with a set of perceptions about what you expect to see/receive in the relationship is going to be a disappointment, because that means you place your faith in man (meaning woman or your mate). Since your faith should not be in anything or anyone other than God...you will always find that others hurt and disappoint your expectations. If you take the relationship to God from the initiation stage...and let God be your advisor in all stages...you will get answers to things, and see things that you need to see, in order to better assess if the relationship is truely what God wills for you. As I'm sure you've experienced...the majority of relationships we enter into are not within God's will for us. That said...this is the reason you keep finding that people are rejecting those characteristics in you in which you place high value...the reason for your 20 year tough skin. You built those layers of defense...as a self-preservation mechanism to protect you from the fallout of your Godless decisions about relationships. Those decisions were based on your flesh, and not specifically your spirit nor God's will. Since God knows what is truely in your best interest, as well as your deepest heart's desire; leaving Him out of the equation leaves a big hole in your methodology, and thus in your relationships as well. "In order to find out what I fear to lose, I must first know what is there to lose...and the price for everything that I carry/give." What you fear losing is yourself...those character traits that you value in yourself. It is the thing about us that gives us a sense of self-worth. This is why God spends so much time testing and trying us; because if we are studying His word, that word is molding and shaping our character, and God tests us...giving us a character test to see where we really are...what's called trials and tribulations are really character tests. God gives us those tests to grow us...and if we pass the test, we move up to the next level in Him. Part of the test is how will we stand in the face of trial? Where will we place our faith? Who or what will we cling to in our moments of despair? Then He leaves it to us to figure out why we acted that way, but He gives us word via the bible or others that seem to just happen to be ministering a word on a particular subject... like "waiting." That was my word today...much needed, but He had already dealt with me and brought me to a place of peace via many tears. When we pass the test, we are promoted in Him. However, sometimes we have to retake the test over and over...and over...cause sometimes it takes us a while to just "get it." Believe me...I've failed many tests about relationships in the past. But I have gotten so much better since I started questioning Him about any person that I even find remotely attractive. I question Him every step of the way...and even then...He still tests and proves me. Why? Because it is growing my character, and as a result...I have managed to avoid two major jerks that were right there in the church...that seemed very God-like and interested in walking with and serving the Lord, but He also tested them, and they proved their characters to me...and that was what saved me from them. See...God has a purpose in every thing...even our pain. He doesn't get joy out of it, but He does love it when we are hurting and we run to Him for His protection and provision. That...is what He loves, craves and desires from us...that we allow Him to provide for us. Understand that sometimes...we are simply the victim of our own bad decisions and choices...and still, He waits and He will accept us and forgive us for our stupidity. I think the only thing you need to do is offer yourself as a living sacrifice...your body is a temple and God wants to truely dwell in it and make it holy and pure. He can only do that if you allow Him in. It's a choice for life...and life more abundantly, because as we pass these challenges and our character increase...it draws blessings to us...it draws God's provision even more, so that we too can go out and share that blessing with others, and help them to see the path as well. I hope that helps clear your confusion a bit. Peace and blessings.
  • the_final_warning

    Hello Wandering,
    You worked hard to make your site simple yet elegant. I see that you don’t have much to say lately!
    I like to write articles about God and religion on my site to help people to really get to know God, especially in these troubled times: 9 "The land is filled with blood, and the city is full of wrongdoing. For they say, 'The Lord has left the land, and the Lord does not see.' 10 But as for Me, My eye will have no pity, and I will not leave any sinner without punishment. I will bring their wrong-doing upon their own heads." (Ezekiel 9:9-10) (NLV) I hope you get a chance to look at them.

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